pots and pains

this lump of clay we were trying to make into a pot..it had so many kankars in it..and they cant be felt from outside..u can just feel the clay! and wen u start kneading its then u feel thoe miniscule particles biting ur skin...they will only show thr real persona wen the clay is dry ..they form the cracks...bad ones...break the whole pot..or if ur on the potters wheel trying to work with that clay they will slice through ur skin AND BRAZE IT...

every thing is such a mixup for me..i cant feel just one feeling at a time
sometimes im angry and thats mixed with disgust for my own self
sometimes im plain pissed..but i wish it was just PLAIN. IT ALSO has that disgusting boredom with it
even sometimes guilt
then wen im happy im scared too..of losing it all
im sad and im satisfied that this is the perfect time to create..thats wen im happy that i can create wen im sad?uh mixture !
the other side of my feeling surfaces later...hurts and pinches if i try to knead it too hard..or if im fine tuning my emotions then it just slices me and i realise i shudnt have started on thinking abt my feeling....hmm right

now i think im the maddest person sitting in front of the computer screen

writing writing writing,,,also probably the sanest and th emost frustrated soul waiting to be taken over by sleep

nameless faceless bitches

http://www.peenuts.blogspot.com
http://www.delhidreams.blogspot.com
http://richardemblin.blogspot.com/
http://www.sreeti1.krify.com
http://www.loyalgurl.krify.com
this is i guess the only way i can say that i like these blogs...and regularly read thm. pl all those who blog read them too.....

on a different note
things are quite good with me the last few days.....but doing a lot of thinking...'what?' is a BIG question!
but anyway,
what makes me wonder is the way people hurt you and still not feel guilty abt it.....some people tell me i cannot say a 'no' and i should learn...welll i have learnt to say a 'no' , and sometimes annoyingly so.... and when i cant i just avoid that situation all together....it results in even more hurt than other times....
but then i excuse myself saying that i had a reason....but u know thr in my head ive continued the argument subconciously saying...n excuse is good enough to hurt someone else.....

hmmm guilt thats what u call the argument...
.but yet as i was saying people do have habit of hurting people conciously and to them its natural.they are generally with a lot of money.generally is the word..it becomes a sadist fun for them...i started feeling this since in school though not as conciously as now....the gals mostly....i felt they had all the time in the world to do that....they would just hurt you and leave(add a scoffy expression to thr faces) not that i have anything against them now...but stilll i cant get over the humiliation i felt then...
also a feeling of pity and awe that i have now as to how they have managed to keep up the fake for so long....i mean thr lifestyle was fake...nobody can be mean right from birth....nobody is born mean....but how can u be so fake for so long..at such a small age...? and they still are...now perhaps, they have reasons- such as- getting the attention....being the pets....having gr8 good looking guys as bfs....well thr own reasons perhaps.
they are always putting up an act....well whatever...perhaps the act of being a BITCH has its own pros and cons...i wont understand them...perhaps for my own good

empty buildings....a lone world

what crazy things i keep thinking.u know as if m mind has become a non-stop machine..it just doesnt wanna stop. I am always on a "what if? " mode. always looking at things and thinking....

and right opposite my building i see on the balcony a dried plant in a pot...it must have been fresh once ...with green leaves on itself.....maybe even a flower. and all that remains is a twig....a dried unhappy looking

and then the thoughts go to the empty flat....how lonel and depressed it must feel for not being able serve its purpose ...of being a home from being just 4 and more walls....

its a real lonely to be something else than what you really are...leena tells me she just wants to end a 9 yr old relationship coz she is tired of being what her guy wants her to be always....well what abt the flat it also wants to be a 'home' isnt it? it just doesnt want to remain a silly old flat....everything needs to grow.....to grow into something better

that reminds me of love....love makes u grow...better or not i dont knw.love has that thing when u wanna rise to something else..and yet being that something else does not hurt if u dont want it to..when u start thinking love is unfair it becmes unfair....when u think it just expects and the expectation is something u wanna fulfil u do that....

non stop chatterbox....what crap!

anyway

im in love....

"life is.... "

"Life is just one damned thing after another" - Elbert Hubbard

I was looking for some piks online and it just happened that i came across this quote,....life....is ...

so many people have quoted as to what life is and what it isnt..and true it maybe for each one of them...and since they were famous their quotes became too...and frankly why shudnt they be..they achieved what many others havent..love of the masses..ok ok not always love..but definitel u wud agree "attention" they have got....

have you ever thought of quoting ur life in one funny sentence.."life is so and so AND such and such"..whatever i say.." life is all about whatever....each person has a unique life....a unique quote...i say "life is just a gift...unwraps by itself...surprises and dissapoints but yes it stil leaves u curious....and by the by we never get to know what that gift actually looks like....coz by the time we are about to open the final wrap we realise we dont need it anymore...."

what say? impressive to me

may be when im famous someone will quote me saying "oh! what a great woman she was?u know she once said..'such and such and such'..."

what bliss to fanatasize!lols

Who Will Save Your Soul

life is funny....really funny .....it takes these wierd twists which i can never undersatnd.....

i mean whenever u start feeling secure and good abt life it shakes u up and says 'hello, what are u feeling happy abt?'
and it keeps testing u...or maybe thats what we feel it is ...a test!...
who knows whats coming in life?
who knows who is god and who is not?..after all who wrote these books that define god?....how do we know who is right and who is wrong?...who are we to decide at all?
.and thats y i cant leave it upto the gods decided by men.....god is thr no arguments.....but god is god...thaz it...nothing else nothing more nothing less
my life that tests me now will be balanced later ...and that too depends on completely 'me'!
i wanna now have hold on it...im tired of leaving it to others....
the funny thing is that the very same ppl who made fun of my desperate situations in life are in the very same situation now and i feel bad for them ....it makes me feel that life is veangeful...it shudnt be...i dont like the idea of vengeance..i find it sadistic.....wonder if anything is wrong with me(acc to the world)

of drunkenness and carelessness

i hav a friend , married yet, quite young at heart...a romantic to the core and the quite the kinds i love being 'friends' with had a new year bash at a family friends place inspite of all the work i had at the backlog of my life(it always does run on backlog) hmm back to my friend.....well she has (rather now had) a dream....to get drunk and do everything without the limits.....hmm ...it turned true on new years quite unexpectedly(for me at least)...and i know i wanted to be with her...though i wouldn't have been much help...but anyway,it turned out that it was good i was there...

coz i knew mom wouldn't take it as nicely as anybody else(she had a wrinkled nose and a stared a pure "mom" stare at my friend...as if she was a naughty teenager who had gone astray)rest of them were cool on the outside at least. who blew up was her husband....

started shouting like a pure MCP and well feminist that i am, I couldn't take it...thank god for dad and the fact that the man is much older to me that i dint shout and scream at him(i felt like rather smacking him at that point)..rather i just looked at him...{oscar winning performance by Aparna ...clap clap clap}...just looked as if im looking at him out of courtesy...like one does when the other one is talking......

and here comes the climax...tada!..he shouts at me!....because i was looking at him!.....(the reason?..i call it 'guilt') he screamed at ME for 'looking' at him...crime? perhaps i dint deserve the oscar after all..maybe all that hatred just poured into my eyes....as if my eyes were daggers and i was abt to murder him.....i wish they really were... maybe not murder just a bit of a stab here and there
i came back home in a bad mood...brooding over how that man will treat m friend the next day...thinking whether her son would take this all well(he did after all that...I'm proud of him), whether she will be well,and of course when will i finally start working....lazy ass i am.
worked....today and a lot...


and of course on the 2nd of january ......i have lost my cell fone 'waaa'....dad will kill me...mom has not yet tried...(thank god)..maybe they will murder me together....I'm now thinking of a good bye speech...
....""thank you all who love me and those more who hate me """...

maybe this how i will start
now i suffer my own carelessness and the thieves of m college....im changing professions very soon..theft is likely to be the next best thing i believe

books,parables and a 33,000 gods

went to the church today
had a good time..
is gods existance just based on our faith
and is his love and mercy restricted to our love for him
y then does he want to save obnly christians...that too baptised...
another thing that came to my mind..they alws talk in the church as if hindus know nothing...really...they really know nothing..?
the stories that hindus build are no more unbelievable than bible stories...
they can be treated as parables too....then y are they called superstitions
hinduism is not abt a religion and 10000 gods
its abt work culture and being good and honest...
its also abt thanking god for lil miracles...
not just abt 10 000 rituals...its also the positivity attached to it
its not just abt singing "hare krsna... krsna krsna....krsna krsna... hare hare"
its also abt the love ...the indescribable love in which people forget themselves and get one with god
its abt the belief and the duties that every man, woman has towards life...
its abt living life and not just salvation...salvation is achieved through goodness..and fulfilment of duties...thats wat hindu books say...work without lust...without greeed
because goodness is the symbol of god...not just mercy....but love ...thats it.....does love need to be categorised,into forgiveness and help and mercy and all that...its just plain love...isnt it?
the core of christianity...or for that matter an religion says the same...
love

of joy and complexity

this goes as an answer to my dear friends who have been leavin thr precious comments ,mails and of course having phone conv. up with me to tell me....(not ask me... mind you) "....whats wrong with you?"
 ok inspite of whatever way im going, thinking, understanding, questioning......i love every bit of it! it doesnt get me upset...most of it is introspection im NOT UPSET...I repeat.....i love it every moment of my life is a lifetime lived...even those sad times are "mine" ...the thing is my relaxation doesnt come from everybodies types of "njoy life" i njoy my life from the places where nobody else looks in... like being lonely ...opening my heart out and still hiding from people i do poetry..i read...i chat up with people!i think abt sam! i dream what ill do when i become famous(though i may never be) i live these moments, now, here.....i live the 'now' moments every day... i be upset and still im content...thats the the word... my confusion doesnt exist...yes abt life ill alws be confused because life has no meaning actually...but that doesnt stop the quest of living...as it comes. . one thing people never understand...sorrows are as much a part of life as happiness! and i have accpeted it that way! i am upset because situations are against me!i wont go by anybodies word of do this and do that!my feelings come naturally. ..theyre not triggered..... i know what i want in life and friends please dont judge my life through what i write...they just pour out.....words have no control over me just as i dont have any control over them.thoough its ok for me to write whatever i want! i have allowed them to break my damn and flow..as they want.. they sometimes come, sometimes are just lost!

a little bit of this and that

A lot of times have i thought that the mind is a thinking mind .....and peiople should let it wander freely......to explore hearts....to find unknown meaning....to search for answers that are given and yet stay unanswered!

and whenever i find such a person who seems to be questioning life,i feel happier .....just to see that such people exist!
what is life ..if it is just lived because it is supposed to be.....what is life without the eternal quest for questions and then answers.....? why should life be like a non chalant notion that has been implanted......?why should we live life like puppets or rather zombies of the soceity...? too many questions for now, and answers may not be thr even if i hav lived a thousand lifetimes of just this quest....
this quest doest mean leaving responsibilties.....but yes it does mean not compromising in the answers u have already found.....

like i found... why do people hate certain people? and then still be nice to them.......
my answer may not be right but im stil in the process of searching.....(it will take a whole new entry to answer that)
what is dissapointing is that most of these people that i find are just people who dont actually search....they get half of information and then act "know it all's".....oh my my! its sucha pain to understand these people.....they claim to be searching for knowledge but dont open thr minds.....probably they will take time to open themselves up! but for that the "trying" has to happen.......not through advices but through understanding each mind individually...........................
life has too many things to ponder upon......ive still just seen the first milestone on the horizon!

reminiscence of a forgotten travel

there are many things in my country unexplained...untrodden

several of them in my city.....some of them just superstitions some of them experiences and wierd ones at that.
experiences that held some mysteries which ar now considered as divine intervention

several unknown unnamed faces keep appearing here.helping people out without question....people without money or food or even for a trek that became unfruitful due to some reason!

this happened way back round 1995 summers i think

a family had gone on a trek to "gomukh" in the northern himalayas where ganges is supposed to have come from(no its not gangotri as the books tell you. the source of the water is still unknown) the trek ends at this cow shaped outlet for a full outburst of water

called gomukh. no names here and also it not a first hand experience so cant giv all the details but here goes


three people on the trek .... guess somekind of landslide held them back in a villag near gangotri.....all of them diheartened and almost about to turn back...out comes this 13-14 year old boy a shepherd or something who tells these two families(anothr family had joined in,among which was lady with gout, and a man with heart disease) he can help them out...aprehensive but all the same they went for it.....he took them from this unknown route which was shorter but riskier...telling them which stone to step on and which to avoid(since half the stones are actually all but old dirty ice)where not to step and afterhours of trek they reach gomukh!he helps them reach he helps them come back,,,,,and then gets lost!






not taken money nothing!he just vanishes......the families think he might have just gone back home without telling them and they enquire at the village...the village isup on the mountains and there are hardly any inhabitants ....so all the people know each other on a first name basis.....try as they might nobody who that boy was and how did he know the other route so well...mysterious it may not be.....but to them who had been so dissapointed he came like an angel.....helped the other family more than the one i knew...









i dont know several times i have heard of the guardian angels that god sends for his people.....who seem to be there just the moment when u need them...






i have heard about little krishna coming to the aid of the children when they need help


i have seen small miracles of my bal gopal( a small copper efigy of baby gopal krsna) who keeps throwing tantrums......there are unnamed helpers all over the world...we just ignore them thats it....they might or moght not be real people i ll never know..but they will still be msngrs sent from heaven ......people who came at the right time...been there at the right moment....and still lay forgotten coz we never got round to asking them who they were...they are reminders god sends us that he does want everyone to do as he wants but the choice still lies in our hand what we want to do....they are faces that donot want to be revealed ...coz if they are revealed they would lose their purpose...of helping without want.

sinking to the glooms

ok weird i know i may sound.....but i have this sinking feeling these days...upset over something and i cant pinpoint at it?crazy eh!
but seriously...i feel like being alone all day...not even talking to sam...frankly even keeping him out of my mind....
shutting out people. .i just dont know why i feel like feeling lonely!
hmm hollow rather.
a feeling that is in peacewith itself but its just not my usual self!
i feel everything around has a nasty false air abt it
as if something wrong is about to happen
AND YET it reminds me of something from harry potter....dementors..spreading an unexplainable gloom over those who cant see them.
all my sad memories seem to be flooding bak to me....i m taking them easily....taking them as if they were all but nightmares ,,,but the more i want to let them go the more they take hold of me!
its bliss is it? does bliss feel like this...im drunk....drunk on sorrow