Tuesday, August 26, 2008

dream sequence in sepia

Every bloody beginning has a beautiful end and the bloody ends have romantic unreal beginnings. Much like the scripts we have had written on our palms.

We are born with these scripts and we decide we need to change them. It is one of those impossible tasks. Like growing wings and flying away to nowhere. And yet destiny gives ‘the one’ hope. And hence her destiny has been wrongly foretold. She is Cassandra herself n’ though no one else believes her… she knows she is right. Nothing she does will make her ultimate destiny change. She is incapable of being loved. She lost the one who had loved her the most… almost as if those days were a dream sequence… shot in sepia.

They aren't coming back


‘The one’ has started to believe in god, (did you know?) Onyx had a simple say in this matter, “Don’t. He doesn’t care enough”…

he doesn’t?

HE DOESN’T


Onyx does not want to wake up in the mornings these days. Each day wishes that this was the last time he was closing his eyes. I can only hear him and sense a déjà vu.

And the last time ‘the one’ wished that, was when she was living my dream. She didn’t want to wake up simply because she knew that if she does, the pain would be too hard to bear… it would all seem to unreal. She would want more of the dream… she kept her eyes closed for a long time thinking it’s not over yet.

Dream sequence in sepia.

For weeks together she slept wishing the dream would be re lived again.

Even in non-reality.

Monday, August 25, 2008

junks

Let’s just finish what you have left of me,

Just scraps and junk,

Patches of moss sticking to the outside,

Looking like broken car bodies,

Lying in junk yards…

Let’s make the best,

Of what is left of me,

Incomplete, while u left…

Bare, where your memories have gnawed.

While I remain stuck

In this quick sand of non realities,

Of realizing that the bleed

Is that of ink on unwritten letters…

Let’s just write those down,

Make this real again.

Let’s believe that it never happened,

You give me the vodka cocktail,

Top it up with a little lime and cyanide,

Let’s cease to exist…

Or at least me,

My sour sole mortified,

Take the body away too.

Put me in that crushing machine

Where you had led my heart once…

Finish what you had left of me,

Scraps and junks of rusted car bodies.

july 2006 (edited)

पीले पन्नो की उस पुरानी किताब में
कहीं मेरा भी नाम लिख लेना...

एक
दिन खो जाउंगी मैं,
तो,
कम से कम मेरी परछाई छूट जाएगी|
तुम्हारे इस किताब के पन्नो में,
फीका पड़ता ही सही ...
मेरा एक अक्स,
मेरी खुशबू के साथ,
महकाएगा तुम्हारा कोई एक पल ||

पीले पन्नो की एक पुरानी किताब में
कहीं मेरा भी नाम लिख लेना ...
पानी में घुलती वो नीली सी स्याही,
आसुओं से और गाढ़ी हो जाए शायद.
मेरे कुछ नौसिखिये से sketches,
तुम्हे उन pencil के धब्बो में मिल जाए....

मेरा प्यार,
उन सुखी टूटी पंखुरियों से
गिर जाए,
जब पन्नो को हलके से पलटो तुम
|
एक
अधूरी सी खुशबू
शायद
उस किताब में कहीं बंद हो,
पहचानोगे, तो मेरा ही चेहरा दिखेगा ||

पीले पन्नो की एक पुराणी किताब में,
कहीं हमारा भी नाम लिख लेना ...
हम दोनों का,
एक साथ...
'सपना' गर लिखा हो, तो शायद सच हो कभी ||
किसी और युग में...

Friday, August 22, 2008

fiction

She has always wished she was someone else. Wanting to live the fictional life of what she is not. Dreams that actually can't be wished for. She lies awake watching the stars on her own little artificial sky changing positions and her fate simultaneously. Illusions... making a deliberate attempt and bringing them to the right angles to make the destiny thing right for her… stars foretelling what she thinks her life should be.


The stars are phony, so is destiny, they are just mere stickers on ceiling… with glow-in-the-dark feature… her life being the only truth as of now… she is never gonna be onyx’s “B”… she will only keep wishing. She wants to be her… no matter how much she hopes that he would fall in love with her… she just wishes she was “B”. Or for that matter she was in some movie… coz then dramatic things would happen to her. She would find everything she needs or lose everything she has… it won’t be some in the mid way of hanging between her dreams and wishes and the pain of not having. Her character so fictional that no one would believe that someone could live her way.


She goes on wishing. This life is fictional. It’s not happening to her. She has convinced herself that this cannot be happening to her. How could it? She doesn’t deserve this. She wasn’t made to be so hurt. She can’t deal with this… she lies back… her face buried in the pillow, screaming at her destiny. Wishing the stars would drop away, she realizes they are artificial. She can just rip them away…


these stars are too far away.


She cant reach even these…


onyx is further than the real ones…


currently listening to: 3 Doors Down, Dave Mathews Band, Coldplay
currently reading: starting with dostovesky tomorrow...
currently watching : love story (english), casablanca, to kill a mocking bird

Monday, August 18, 2008

early mornings


lately thr have been a lot of early mornings.. to work and mostly to research... work not that much... my internet connection gives better speed early morning...
i have a funny feeling though that my mom isnt very happy with that... well no mother would be... imagine the situation.... she takes that early morning peaceful walk... coming back to find alice in chains - 'angry chair' going full throttle. she refrains from saying anything 2 reasons
  1. she knows i wont listen, so thr is no point anyway
  2. well atleast im working and have woken up that early to put in an effort
though its funny to wake up that early to work. i am really not used to this aparna...

damn it. i feel like going back to sleep right now... i have to go to college though...sucks being a good child.
currently listening to: a whole lot of songs, my chemical romance
currently reading :nothing..other than research material
image courtesy: google image search... pearl jam, the best ever...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

living in decadence

i never seem to find an apt titles for my posts... so mostly they are random. and by the end of the post something way weird strikes me and i end up putting that up.

i have changed...
i have started keeping my room clean and organised... and i dont like it one bit. my craze for the organisation in the crowd is gone, it seems... i first thought it was a phase... but it seems im more crazy about keeping things in place... my mother seems to agree with this new kind of aparna.. she has actually started appreciating my existence on this planet... well, i wouldn't say i have become a cleanliness freak.. what i mean to say is i keep everything in order... i used have my music always in order. alphabetically, at times even genre-wise... but later alphabetical order started working fine. as i never really know what genre i want to listen to... one moment its RATM and the next song queued up (intentionally) is a romantic hindi track... so doesnt make sense putting things up genre wise... i always end up messing around with my play list.

OK, that means the old aparna hasn't given up yet.... yaaaaayyy!!! :D

it rained and it rained on the 14th of august. just didnt seem to stop and i was stuck in a bloody car... couldnt stay home to sleep , or even get out in the rain and drench up... so by the end of it we ended up driving some 130 kms in and around delhi... we could have reached hrishikesh and had a better day. and we were stuck in the worst kind of traffic jams possible.

poor agom spent 900 bucks on petrol.... this is our "free" country, where we spend so much to live decently... well it pinches once in a while... I'm happy to be here... these 14th augusts come about once in every 3 months and we curse the 'damned' country as much as we can. leaving around an air of words which start with 'maa..@#' and 'behe..^#%'... and we curse the bloody truck who has been honking away and giving crash metal a run for its money and we add the bass lines to that tune while we are honking and making lyrics while throwing abuses at him...

hmm... next time I'm recording this musical fusion... i seem to feel trash metal has the same components...
  1. a lot of noise (here, created by the truck behind us)
  2. a strong base line (here, created by the cars/ bikes in front of the truck)
  3. rhythm (here, by the engines of the cars, scooters, trucks etc and also rain has its own rhythm)
  4. a lot of abuses and curses flying around in random order ...
except that in this fusion we will have Hindi abuses instead of the English ones.

currently listening to: Alice in Chains, mtv unplugged 1996
currently reading :bourne supremacy, (cant seem to finish it soon enough)
currently watching : black lagoon, anime series
image courtesy: my brother dearest,his trip to dharmshala, a random restaurant menu card.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

rechristening....

and henceforth "A" shalt be referred to as ONYX...
it was a dream that made me re christen him.
actually not even re christen him.
he doesnt like the name though...
but it suits him.
onyx is his birthstone anyway...
and it has a nice legend to it.
ppphhhh....
so long...

fat rat

p.s. the blog is also rechristened...but that would be the first thing one notices... i hope...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

the woes of janis

Ever since her arrival to my humble terror land (home, as few may cal it) in january, she has been sweet to me, jheloing all my mood swings. listening to me when i was troubled, singing along with me, in her own musical way, fun times. well.... good times dont last forever.
today she fell sick and i realised how much she has been an integral part of my life. throwing tantrums has been an old thing for her... she has done it earlier, a few scolds or a slight smack and she is back to being her old self.
it has been a complete chaos since i came back home... she was actually fine in the morning, and when i came back home she greeted me the way she always does... with her blue eyes twinkling... she knows im ready to give her all my attention... and then she starts being ill, i actually felt she is back to throwing her tantrums, and i dont really pay attention. this is at 5 pm... by the time it was 7 she was completely fucked up... and i was panicking by the moment. Ultimately, common sense prevailed(the good over bad is absolute certainity) and i decided it was time to use what i had been dreading for the last few months... the windows installer cd... formatted her, and now i have been spending the last 2 hours installing all the softwares back as they were... though havent been able to install office yet... im so fucked up tired... waiting for janis' assistant to show up soon. i.e. my external hard disk. I'm now almost done. doing up the essential... almost nursed it back to health. it will take a couple of more days for it to completely be what she was until yesterday. i need a strong dose of antivirus.. and i need suggestions... and well wishes

life's questions

The two most important things I need to figure out before I die
  1. "which came first? the chicken or the egg?" and
  2. "what is life all about?"

and the 3rd made its presence felt today. Through a blog that too...

"accidental scrambled eggs or intended ones?" this one comes from 'D'


Well, answers to all these apparently will appear out of thin air, as and when god (and for non believers - 'the subconscious') intends... and most possibly in the ideal (idle) moments spent by people on pots... and by that I don't mean marijuana.

Speaking of questions... here is a multiple choice for you...
"what is the smell that a cigarette smoke leaves behind???
  1. aroma
  2. stink
  3. thoughtfulness
  4. it leaves a smell? i always thought it was the person next to me who's, well..., suffering a bad day of digestion...

currently listening to Pearl Jam -"live on two legs"
currently starting to read : "कूड़ा कबाड़ा" - अजित कौर
currently watching : x men evolution (the cartoon series)
image courtesy: random fwd email... dont know who it is really by. credited to the geniuses of tomorrow



Friday, August 08, 2008

lecter's lovergirl

He kissed me,

Whilst I lay lifeless,

With cyanide on my lips,

He sucked it back…

As I lay cold, his lips froze.

And his breath became shorter, harder,

I felt déjà vu…

Of when Romeo lay next to me,

Romeo’s regret…

That he took the stab

And never saw his Juliet rise again…

The apothecary’s lie,

That never reached him.

That word of caution,

That could have undone,

The perpetuity of love.

And I realize Lecter’s tale

Will merely always be metaphorical…

Quoted for instances of horror,

Since Lecter is incapable of dialogue

Of last, dying words, of love,

Etched on some writer’s chronicle.

He will only be fêted and ‘hated’

For kissing his own apocalypse.

While His dead little lover,

Will live again forgotten,

Home again,

As her 22nd statistic figure ends its existence

She will commence again,

Of finding the 23rd