WRETCHEDNESS

I feel pathetic. I really feel pathetic. Life has come to a standstill. And nothing seems to be going well. I don't want to be where I am. I don't want to go where I really do want to be. I hate hanging no where. I want a job. I want to move out. And no one seems to be happy about that decision. At least not the two most important people of my life. 44 k for a semester? Are they freaking kidding me? My dad doesn’t have a minting machine at home. Anish got pissed. Dad hasn’t replied but has stated his opinion in a very matter of fact way. I mean, for once I feel its stupid to spend so much money on a course that’s going to pay me not half as much. I don't even want to avail my loan. I have wasted a lot of it either way. So why not just get out now and save a little bit. Yeah, 80k for instance, and the rest of the money that is spent each month. And anyway, nift doesn’t really help my spirits that much. Ends up ruining my mood, every single day. Hate going on from one day to the next. I mean I hardly know when I’m going to simply go up to the top floor and throw myself down in frustration or maybe just bulldoze down the whole campus. Now they have surpassed all the limits of absurdity and increased the fees too. I mean after they make Asha Baxi leave Delhi, then make weird rules in college, and do not really improve anything… are they crazy? It doesn’t make slightest sense that I spend so much money in a place that I don't even want to stay at in the first place.
And I have spent all my balance on phone calls. I need to stop feeling so desperately lonely. Higher things don't happen anymore. It feels as if I am falling into a pit… back into the labyrinth of nothingness. Is that what love brings to you or is it just a symptom of being Aparna? More likely answer to that would be a bit of both. Despite Aparna wishing to be the “miss happy”… remotely impossible. This all is whilst I have faith on god and all that… complete faith is impossible. He himself ruined it long ago. Strangled that faith with his own hands and all I could do was revere the beauty of god’s love for his children. Children who are falling apart, bit by bit. Who, he is punishing for his own mistakes. Or testing them. Whatever… I am going to keep my faith for once. Wait till I get my prayers answered. What the fuck, I might as well believe in god. Maybe I will have added advantage because of the faith. Easier to blame him when something goes wrong (yeah we all do that, I as an exception, end up blaming myself and turn suicidal)… (Whatever) x 2…

Speaking of which, I need to thank god about a few things. One, I can’t cry anymore (seems to have dried up, hurts the eye when I try). Two, thank god ‘A’ doesn’t read my blog. It would be crazy trying to explain. Three, I have a computer here where I can type all this bull shit and try to feel good. {Wonder how people (namely my classmate vikram) can spend their whole lives in the production room stitching T-shirts for themselves.}. Four, thanking him for other reasons will just be a matter of pretending too much to care…. Whatever, WHAT EVER…
Hmm… even bloody writing doesn’t help. I still feel pathetic. I really want to cheer up…
Bloody hell….
Fuck this world.
It sucks.
B@#c#0d...
Aaaaaaaaarghhhhh...
Fuck fuck fuck fuck…..
Eeeeeeekkkkkkkk….. Waaaaaaaaaa…
DAMNED SHITTY WORLD...
BULL FUCKING CRAP…
How frustrated am I? Right now I would love to just join the LTTE despite them not letting me join it. Or maybe go off to Andaman Islands and get married to the fat tribal chief… who will probably eat me on our first date… I AM that frustrated...