in the last two weeks, ive been trying to 'live' life......partying hard .....d.rinking everynight.....and for a change i have been getting drunk......losing control......well and all that happens is i end up feeling more lonely than ever.
im sitting in a computer class.....trying to figure out why i am sitting here if i dont even want to hear my faculty speaking but instead check my mails and write something......mmmmmm NO CLUE........
dee has been extremely worried about me.......why? what for? she is my friend, she cares.....and yet i know it wont matter after a few years....she will be her own way i will be on my own...all that we might do is remember these times .....and laugh abt it....
its a sense of loss ive come to.....ive lost myself....its not the same aparna anymore......i have learnt to say "no" i have stopped giving out a hand to people when they ask for it...... im trying to be a narcissist....was sam supposed to have this kinda effect on me? the other day i found myself thinking about why i was and am in love with him... i just am....couldnt find the answer to my 'why'.....funny i dont find answers.....ever...
all im doing is smoking my self up......ciggarettes after ciggarettes after cigarettes.......and faking everything.....walking into the class...saying fake "hi!'s" and smiling and going to work.....staying up all night watching the fan......or flicking the ash.....drifting off to sleep somewhere early morning.....my routine.....thr is no emotion left.....i just laugh....sake of laughing.......i have stopped thinking...
the mind has become a moron........
coz im trying to be what i never have been
the saturation has come...
there lies no point....
a empty coffin
a carcassed body
vultures dont feed on me anymore.....
bones have rot too
the mind has become a moron
im sitting in a computer class.....trying to figure out why i am sitting here if i dont even want to hear my faculty speaking but instead check my mails and write something......mmmmmm NO CLUE........
dee has been extremely worried about me.......why? what for? she is my friend, she cares.....and yet i know it wont matter after a few years....she will be her own way i will be on my own...all that we might do is remember these times .....and laugh abt it....
its a sense of loss ive come to.....ive lost myself....its not the same aparna anymore......i have learnt to say "no" i have stopped giving out a hand to people when they ask for it...... im trying to be a narcissist....was sam supposed to have this kinda effect on me? the other day i found myself thinking about why i was and am in love with him... i just am....couldnt find the answer to my 'why'.....funny i dont find answers.....ever...
all im doing is smoking my self up......ciggarettes after ciggarettes after cigarettes.......and faking everything.....walking into the class...saying fake "hi!'s" and smiling and going to work.....staying up all night watching the fan......or flicking the ash.....drifting off to sleep somewhere early morning.....my routine.....thr is no emotion left.....i just laugh....sake of laughing.......i have stopped thinking...
the mind has become a moron........
coz im trying to be what i never have been
the saturation has come...
there lies no point....
a empty coffin
a carcassed body
vultures dont feed on me anymore.....
bones have rot too
the mind has become a moron
13 comments:
from this rot will spring a little flower someday
i'll pray for that day to come soon
till then, i'll wait...
good...espescially the last lines!
no flowers for u my dear......im a lil fungus now......rotting everything around me........
spring flowers will die with me.....
thanks ketki.......
"Chand ko jami pey laaney ki zid thi, Humey unhey apna banaey ki zid thi, Jis rah par lakhon ghar barbad huey..humey bhi wo rah apnaney ki zid thi, Acha hua wo pehley hi bewafa ho gaye, warna unhey paaney key liye is zamaney ko jalaney ki zid thi".
funny that love never needs a reason. And i believe it doesn't even have one...
funny that people whose love isn't complete aren't complete and people who's love couldn't be more complete and who couldn't have asked for more love are hell incomplete.
I donno why or what I am writing here ... But just saying...
I m feeling as if ......
LIFE sucks!!
If life were to end up in ashes as easily as u think, we wud have had an ash storm brewing all around.
It takes a greater fire to burn us all down. Just hang on there. This too shall pass.
Hey Shadows
where r u yaar ? no mails no replies, no posts ......
do get bak to me soon... take care of urself deary...
dangerous pasttime shadows....i have seen many a lives spoilt by the same route...and i have been at MICA...so b'live me...
watch out as this path will take u to even more crazier things and many a times its too late by the time one realizes.,...the answer can only come from ur introspecton and a socratic dialogue(look up wiki on dialectics) with urself that what is it that u r looking for...don't burn ur fingers listen to one's who have and wisen up...its not my place to tell u...but i am scared.....because i have walked the path myself, and just got out in nick of time.But i still haven't found what i'm looking for(i guess u will love this song by u2).....
satyarth
http://thematrixian.blogspot.com
ps:i dunno couldn't login and publish...sorry..
just don't do anything that years later in life you will regret or say...i wish i hadn't done that...
Hi Aparna...what's the use of thinking /feeling for a person who'll not think back.
Never ever cry for a person who'll never cry for you.
Look around you, there are ppl who need your attention, they expect things from you.
And u know who's at loss above all?-it's you, why r spoiling yourself? -May b it's easy said than done.
Try to come out of this chaos.And b good to yourself.The best thing is just spend max time with your close friends....
Hope to see you in action with a gud post next time.
Whr r u???
:)
just back from a good long trip in hrishikesh..........complete with star gazing to night long born fires to bathing (sun and literally) on the beach.....
hmmm i guess i need to write..... mr adi ....kindly keep reminding me of this excersize ive assigned to myself......
well a lot of other things to say.... and well reply to comments
@ adi after 4 and a half years, i hereby acknowledge that you were right. spring flower or not, but time does heal everything. and every moment passes.
here i am after all these years feeling the same, but for a different reason, but age happens and one realises that even this shall pass...
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