going on...being aparna

i have never written about my fears ever.

and even today i wont..but somebody does know them...he knows my pains..he knows i cant handle them alone..he knows i die without the love....he knows i m killing myself..he knows i will...and yet i believe in his love....i believe that he wont let me be with him..he wont let me come to him. he never wil stop playing games with me..he always has...he has taken away my most precious..and now that he has made me believe in my lov...he shatters it yet again..i am his toy..and yet today i dont complain...coz today i need him to stop playing with someone else's happiness...to stop playin with my life's/love's happiness...to give sam all that he wants and needs...
i need him to take me away to a lonely island where i die...
today the pain is so intense that im numb....he crushed me.and he sits there laughing at me like a sadist laughing at the pain of a child...he toys with my fears and brings them all flooding back to me.making all those images real and they claw in further more...leaving gashes which have turned sour..blood oozes out in volumes now with a stick yellow puss..

.and tears? they have dried up... only a numb killing pain remains...and they make me live on.. im dead from the inside....a death i have to keep living..maybe this is what hell is.... maybe im really dead and i dont know..maybe they have found my mutilated body somewhere..or maybe its buried somewhere yet not found...but have died for sure