Being Yourself

As a child when I heard of the phrase “Be yourself”, it was a weird thing to hear… how can I possibly be myself when I already am myself. As I grew up I realized that the “be yourself ” bit becomes increasingly difficult to sustain. One tends to slack into routines of the society. We focus so much on being a part of something; we forget that there was that self who was lost for that cause of belonging.

In a way I feel that realization is the beginning of understanding what you want in life. What are your dreams, not ambitions, “dreams”? What affects you most?

The second stage comes when you take up the courage to break away. Break away from norms of what you were before. When you adhered to the rules. The trick is not to break the rules but find loopholes in those rules. Those loopholes that you find for yourself. Interestingly enough I have never found those rules, or loopholes, in the countless amount of self asserting books written by achievers.

That discovery while I look into myself, -‘introspection’, in stronger words, it’s going through the process of falling in love or vice versa. It changes with every visit inside there. That process happens most, not in loneliness, but when you are surrounded by people. Explanations will feasibly turn this “write up” into a book. But it has always been with situations that arouse amazing thought processes within me.

Taken in Cunnoor, Tamil Nadu

What do I make of myself? What should I make of myself? What should
I want from this world/life etc. What I have is enough. What I don’t have I have never known what it is not to have it… so the need doesn’t arise. What I want from myself, is what I need to find out. In some ways that bit is planned out. In the longer run, have a NGO, in the next 5 years have a trip around India on a bike, be a bohemian… live that crazy life to the full. In between, teach, learn. Do as much research as I can. How much could I not do out of these…achievable dreams… pretty much… life is set

There are certain times when we realize when we need to make tactile decisions. That is when that “life is set” building starts crumbling down to the basic reality of life. Nothing, absolutely nothing goes according to plan. 8 years ago I made a plan that I need to prove myself and here I am at the turn of the decade waiting for even a glimpse of the mast of that ship called success or dreams or whatever people call it these days. Waiting for an opportunity that would suit me. I wonder what it is, but I know I haven’t found the right one yet. Maybe I’m too picky. That is true to some extent but I can’t settle for something substandard and the ones I liked found me substandard. So life and I haven’t yet been able to settle for a compromise where both of us will be able to get out of each other’s faces. Right now I whine and life kicks… that’s what’s on in life. That is what is keeping me busy, the utter hopelessness of it. Coz life always makes sure it looks more confident about what trick it has up its sleeve will catch one by his balls(being a woman doesn’t change that)

I have given up trying. And that’s what sucks most about now!

currently listening to: Nick Drake

currently reading: Kafka: Metamorphosis and other stories  

recently watched : Scrubs, Pipli Live

current mood : obvious from the post

image (C) copyright: aparna mudi

images taken with a canon digital A550 in cunnoor 2008

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