in crossing railway tracks

कवी होने में एक बुनियादी problem है...

station पर platform के नीचे,
चूहे नज़र आने के बजाये,
हमें romance नज़र आता है पटरियों पर||


खड़े माल गाड़ी के जंग लगते दरवाज़ों पर
चेहरा नज़र आता है प्यार का|

हम धोका खाए हुए
टूटे दिल के मरीज़ हैं,
कविताओं में अपनी एक दुनिया बनते चलते हैं|
escapism के उदाहरण बनके जीते हैं|

हम चाँद के craters में आँखें, कान, नाक, होंठ ढूंढ़ते हैं|
तारों को आँचल, रात को चादर समझते हैं|
भरी हुई सड़कों पर अकेलापन हमारी आदत है,
घंटों एक ही शब्द को टटोलना एक खेल,
भूख में खुशी, दर्द में जीत|

आठ line की कविता में समेटी हुई है
सारी oxymoronic ज़िन्दगी हमारी ||

the woes of breaks...

there are certain writers of blogs, who i dont think there is any point naming.... , who have a weird way of letting me know how monotonous i am... and that is not a very great feeling...
i have been on a half hour break since the last let me see... 2 hours... no i guess 3... lazyness and more... and i cant simply get back, which in my case is a matter of life and death right now... sigh the pity of my life....

one of the thousands

people like you dont need lovers
you get them a dime a dozen
you need only nobodies like me,
who can pray to you,

people like you are gods,
everything is dedicated to you
and you can chose to throw us away,
to the devil, or as labor...

you dont give us a choice,
you make us walk away,
know that we pine for your divinity,
you are the "divine incarnate"...

ppphhhh

अब बस इन्तेज़ार है... जब तक हो सकता है इन्तेज़ार,
या जब तक गुज़र न जाए सारी रातें , चाँद भरी...
और दर्द थोड़ा सा न नम जाए ,

अकेले बैठे सड़को को तकती हूँ तब तक,
सड़को के ही किनारे करते हैं सब इन्तेज़ार,
जाने किसका?.. हर चेहरा एक सा लगता है...
उम्मीद से भरा,

उम्मीद के गुज़रने का इन्तेज़ार है अब...
दफना कर , उसी राह के कोने में...
इन्तेज़ार को सजा के आ जाउंगी...
चैन से सौंगी रात भर...
खामोशी ओढ़ कर....

post reactions

adi: :)

3:20 AM am i?

!!!

me: u are??

what??

3:21 AM adi: closer to god than u?

me: yeah

adi: i dont thnk so

3:22 AM me: huh???

no u are,,,

uve always trusted him more than i have

adi: impressions r so deceptive my love

3:23 AM me: uhun?

sweety, i used to trust him back in 2005

adi: and if i were that close to god, i wud have convinced him to get sam back for u

maybe i tried too

3:24 AM but wont tell u how much

me: now i only beg to him... im like the beggar outside the puri temple... some of the blessings may fall off from the higher castes of people

adi: hmmm

kuchh purana

"लोग कहते हैं,
प्यार में नींद नहीं,
चैन नहीं,
पर क्या करूँ
गर सिर्फ तू सपने में नज़र आये?
आँखें बंद करके
इन्तेज़ार करूँ तेरे आने का?
या सो जाऊँ हमेशा के लिए,
तकिये से लिपट कर...
तेरे छुअन का एहसास सोच कर"

wrote this ages back... back in class 9th... guess its the first love all over again...
image (C) aparnamudi, the image is the view from the top of my hotel in tirupur. taken on the night it first rained in tirupur.

i have given up

its as simple as that... i have given up... now only waiting for the hot french guy to sweep me off my feet on my next trip to paris

"B"

18th July, 2008
Of all the people in the world who could have messaged me… ‘B’ messaged me today. It came as a surprise, shock, a little bit of pain and with nothing really important in it. Just a forwarded advert of some site “’B’ invites you to @#$%.com…” something like that.
And of all the reactions I could have had for this incidence, all I did was message ‘A’ that this happened and sat muted for about 2 hours in one corner of the office. This did not help in anyway.
The reason being… none. There was no reason. Other than maybe the fact that it hit me, for once, that she was a real person. Like a real person with real voice, eyes, nose, flaws and all that. Not like an angel. I don't know whether that is a good thing or bad.
Good, cause I realized she has ‘flaws’, human flaws, she is just another girl, but better than me (that’s the bad thing) at least for me. To me whenever I thought of ‘B’ before, she was always like an angel, come down from heaven. So she was/is perfect for ‘A’… well, and I never was/am. I am “just a very good friend”. But the thing is she is human, like me, like ‘A’ and it might just happen, that, this angelic human, falls for him. She is not out of reach, especially for him. Wish I could talk to her once. Ask her “why not?”… I have wished that a million times. Even when I am supremely drunk and not able to think anything else. Maybe that’s the thing. I wish she would just fall in love with him so that I can phase out of his life. In a way I already am phased out. Or maybe not, hopes…

“But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me”

It’s like I am waiting to be hurt. So bad, that I don't recover. When will I learn to stop?

This is getting really boring. Even when I read it back. For Christ sake, can my life become anymore boring than what it was previously… apparently it can. How boring is my blog now can someone please express in words?

The booking of tickets and other factors

Last day in office... and totally frustrating.... tickets to delhi are not being booked... apparently no flight seats are available, and executive class tickets are very expensive... trains tickets arent available either... our dearest office boy gives us the impression that there are no tickets for upto a month.... hmmm....
i guess a travel agent is the god who will make it happen....i need to go back to delhi... i need to...

I came up with a noveau idea today.... i dont know whether its original or not... but i would like to think so. jealousy can make your calories burn.. and that is the reason due to which i have lost a little weight. unnoticable little weight.... i have lost weight since im jealous of people who can afford to have "double cheese margherita pizza n garlic bread n jalapeno sauce" i mean sincerely, dont they know i have been on a diet of sambhar rice since eternity??
that also reminds me... a super salut to 'MTR' for coming up with amazing masala rice and chana masala packs which saved my life yesterday... and also the more stores who were the only ones i found in tirupur to have all the MTR packs.... :)
i have had two crazy months... drove an excel (mopeds), rode in the city on an eicher ( covered trucks), crossed railway tracks in the middle of the night, alone; went out on a bike in the middle of the night, with a guy i have met only once, walked around the city all day, since i had nothing to do, came to office every single day i was in the city; got depressed, got drunk; partied, got drunk; fell a little more in love with "A"; fell a little more out of love with sam; got drenched the only time it rained in tiruppur, went out 3 in the morning to get drenched...
tirupur wasnt that bad in hindsight. just boring, i mean there was practically nothing to do... and frankly i really missed the bash brothers, though meeting pokey was a respite. the silver lining in the otherwise boring tour of two months...
i was really looking forward to going back to bangalore this week.
now i cant and it has broken my heart... :( i want to leave now... go back to delhi.

finally

I AM COMING BACK THIS WEEK.....

IN THE WORDS OF THE GENIUS OF ROSESH SARABHAI....

"WWWOOOOOPPPIIIIIEEEEEE....."

WRETCHEDNESS

I feel pathetic. I really feel pathetic. Life has come to a standstill. And nothing seems to be going well. I don't want to be where I am. I don't want to go where I really do want to be. I hate hanging no where. I want a job. I want to move out. And no one seems to be happy about that decision. At least not the two most important people of my life. 44 k for a semester? Are they freaking kidding me? My dad doesn’t have a minting machine at home. Anish got pissed. Dad hasn’t replied but has stated his opinion in a very matter of fact way. I mean, for once I feel its stupid to spend so much money on a course that’s going to pay me not half as much. I don't even want to avail my loan. I have wasted a lot of it either way. So why not just get out now and save a little bit. Yeah, 80k for instance, and the rest of the money that is spent each month. And anyway, nift doesn’t really help my spirits that much. Ends up ruining my mood, every single day. Hate going on from one day to the next. I mean I hardly know when I’m going to simply go up to the top floor and throw myself down in frustration or maybe just bulldoze down the whole campus. Now they have surpassed all the limits of absurdity and increased the fees too. I mean after they make Asha Baxi leave Delhi, then make weird rules in college, and do not really improve anything… are they crazy? It doesn’t make slightest sense that I spend so much money in a place that I don't even want to stay at in the first place.
And I have spent all my balance on phone calls. I need to stop feeling so desperately lonely. Higher things don't happen anymore. It feels as if I am falling into a pit… back into the labyrinth of nothingness. Is that what love brings to you or is it just a symptom of being Aparna? More likely answer to that would be a bit of both. Despite Aparna wishing to be the “miss happy”… remotely impossible. This all is whilst I have faith on god and all that… complete faith is impossible. He himself ruined it long ago. Strangled that faith with his own hands and all I could do was revere the beauty of god’s love for his children. Children who are falling apart, bit by bit. Who, he is punishing for his own mistakes. Or testing them. Whatever… I am going to keep my faith for once. Wait till I get my prayers answered. What the fuck, I might as well believe in god. Maybe I will have added advantage because of the faith. Easier to blame him when something goes wrong (yeah we all do that, I as an exception, end up blaming myself and turn suicidal)… (Whatever) x 2…

Speaking of which, I need to thank god about a few things. One, I can’t cry anymore (seems to have dried up, hurts the eye when I try). Two, thank god ‘A’ doesn’t read my blog. It would be crazy trying to explain. Three, I have a computer here where I can type all this bull shit and try to feel good. {Wonder how people (namely my classmate vikram) can spend their whole lives in the production room stitching T-shirts for themselves.}. Four, thanking him for other reasons will just be a matter of pretending too much to care…. Whatever, WHAT EVER…
Hmm… even bloody writing doesn’t help. I still feel pathetic. I really want to cheer up…
Bloody hell….
Fuck this world.
It sucks.
B@#c#0d...
Aaaaaaaaarghhhhh...
Fuck fuck fuck fuck…..
Eeeeeeekkkkkkkk….. Waaaaaaaaaa…
DAMNED SHITTY WORLD...
BULL FUCKING CRAP…
How frustrated am I? Right now I would love to just join the LTTE despite them not letting me join it. Or maybe go off to Andaman Islands and get married to the fat tribal chief… who will probably eat me on our first date… I AM that frustrated...

OF CREATING PREJUDICES

I never knew that writing something could affect me that much. It’s 5:45 as of now on the 16th of July and that’s where I want to simply end it all. As someone said there is a huge difference between wanting to and having to. Well I know the have to want to thing. Knew it from a long time. Much before he would have even realized that the difference exists. I can’t take it anymore. Sick of ‘dealing with things’. Waiting for nothing… waiting for godot. And well no I’m not thinking of suicide… (I have a history of owning a “suicide ki dukan”) I’m just wishing to go away from the daily tantrums and freak out, have fun, dope, drink, become bohemian, break away

And yeah I needed to put this up somewhere… thanks to the recent success of “Jane tu, ya jane na”….*ing Imran khan and some other chick…. People now do know of the phrase “waiting for godot” may it be used well and not the way I use it… and I hope (that’s all brecket built on) not many people have to deal with godot though… it’s very very frustrating.


In the randomness of it, I was recently told by a dear friend of moi that I need to find someone who loves me instead. Laughable thought mister. Incase you dint realize, if I were to be with someone who loves me. I would be the object of envy for more women than you would even get to know in your lifetime… ha! Its called losing opportunities. Seems to be a regular feature in the soaps of my life. My life has become more boring than Ekta kapoor’s K brigade. Actually even more boring than Chandrakantha’s last few episodes… (On second thoughts maybe they were not that boring… never got round to watching either Ekta Kapoor or Chandrakantha)

O.K. I don't have to be this bugged. After all what am I upset about? It’s 16th of July, 2008 and I am in love with a great guy. Some great guys are in love with me. I have the best brother in the world… I am studying in a shit ass college and I want to leave, but despite that I hope to get a good job. What crap, I don't believe I’m so upset simply coz some idiot guy doesn’t reciprocate my feelings for him. He is stupid that he doesn’t realize whatever things he is supposed to realize… or maybe it’s just me. He does know but I’m not really the right “fall in love types” … that shouldn’t upset me either. I have always been like this. I never wanted to be the other category. Well seems like I gotta have a good self counseling session today it sucks to be weird and depressed day and night… doesn’t make any sense. Neither does it help anyone. It’s boring, it’s bugging, it hampers my way of living, it stops me from surprising myself, I am darn good and being in love shouldn’t stop me from being better. Hmmm… that feels good.

matter of hearts

Now is the time when there is complete discrepancy between my brain and my heart… and though it may seem like that impractical chain of thoughts, it, is commonality in my life.
So, here is the case. I Aparna, am in love with a certain guy, let’s call him ‘A’. now ‘A’ is in love with another person called ‘B’ and miss ‘B’ is in love with another person ‘C’ who I don't know is whether in love with anyone else or not. Now ‘A’ is the ideal kind of guy everyone who remotely knows him falls in love with him. You know the sweet, cute, talented, et al… one of the few exceptions being ‘B’. I mean every girl he talks about, whoever knows him a little; they have had a crush on him. And they have been smarter, cuter, and the likes of what an ideal girl should be. but well every human has this uncanny tendency to go after what is not easily attainable… and that’s what is the case in the point.

And now is my problem… I’m seriously in love with him. I mean after Sam I had not believed that will happen so that’s saying something… in fact come to think of it if Sam and ‘A’ were in the same room it will still be ‘A’ I would notice and smile for. Alright, the thing is I really want this guy to be with me, forever, if possible… I want this guy to love me and all that… but, ‘A’ is an exceptional emotional fool. Loves ‘B’ like crazy… can’t get over her. I really ‘really’ would be able to get over him the minute I want. The thing is I don't want to get over him… I mean its crazy but I’m really ready to wait for him all my life… practically it is possible that he falls for me, but then I’m just another one in the queue. Isn’t the first chick in line more likely to get lucky? And then frankly if I have to get over him, I need to just break away for a little while. As in, cut off. And that is not something I want to do at this moment. What helps me is the fact that my dearest ‘A’ and me are very good friends, doesn’t help, he gets upset by the fact that I’m in love with him. Its strange how when he speaks about ‘B’, he says the same things I feel about him and I feel there is no point in even saying them aloud.

The purpose of my life for the last one year is lost. “I am the most important person in my life” bullshit… practically I can live my life without him. But then like the romantic of a lost cause… what is life without him really?? Why would I want to live if I couldn’t even have him… whoa... that is cheezy corny and all that but right now i cant help it. jesus friggin christ...help....!!! no i dont need advice... i just need a better guy.... believe me thats hard to find.

bro is going today....

:(

thats all i can write.... i will miss him terrible...

and im missing A* too its crazy but i dont want to be in love with him anymore....

i had a great time in bangalore by the way... for those who wanted to know how my weekend was.....

and im half wishing i could just run back....

by the way i watched 'sivaji'.... will review it some time later.... i need to clarify some tamil doubts before i did that... for those who are curious..... rajnikanth fans must watch it (haider faraz...ding dong....) those who love physics must must watch it...

perpetuality

How things are much awaited in life, and that time you spend waiting is the longest in your life. And that’s when you feel this life will ultimately never end. In tirupur life has become a perpetual “wait”. I wait for everything around here. I guess the waiting arises from the previously mentioned boredom (*read my other posts for reference)

This promises to be a boring piece for sure.

So, like I was saying… my life has become a perpetual “wait”.

I wait for everything around here. Wait for buses in the morning, buses in the evening. For the first bell in the morning, then for the bell for lunch. For beginning to understand the language so you may converse… I wait for the 6 o’ clock bell to go back home. I wait for the weekends on the weekdays and vice versa. I wait for the weekend to Bangalore and wait to go back to Delhi. Wait for phone calls, that were supposed to be, or for phone calls that I don't want. I just wait and wait for sleep to come over, sometimes at 3 or at 4, I have stopped expecting for that now. I wait, wait, wait… and that’s all that is there to it. There is nothing else to do. Watching TV is mega monotony. Just how many times can I laugh at random Disney shows? For some reason I can’t read anymore either. I just can’t focus on the flow of words. I read on for 3 pages and realize that I do not really know what happened so far. I just know there are words, words which make no sense.

There is a sense of loss somewhere. As if something has been taken away, when I wasn’t looking. I waste awful amount of time not knowing why or what I was thinking. Does it all make sense? Not particularly, even to me. I guess in some random way I feel like detaching myself from everything. Hate every thing around me. It’s getting suffocating out here. I want to scream, cry, hit something, and break something. Or be held tight and told everything’s gonna be ok… and this is the time I realize why people can’t live in isolation. You can’t hug yourself. You can’t reassure yourself. You can survive in isolation. You can’t live.

How utterly ridiculous is this whole exercise. Learning how to live alone… why the hell would anyone want to do that? What is the point of earning money and living in nothingness? And here I am earning nothing either. All such a waste of time. I feel like Joey, when Chandler shifts into Monica’s flat. “I am a lone wolf… ‘Lone’… ‘All alone’… ‘ALONE…’ WHAT DOES ONE DO TO GET A HUG AROUND HERE!!!?”

the pik is of skies behind the office whilst i walk back everyday

junk clothing

It’s strange how I keep holding on to every little thing. Sheets of paper, little pieces of bus tickets, restaurant bills, Old clothes, messages in my phone inbox. It takes a lot of effort to throw them away, and I have to force myself most of the times to do it. They become a part of my life. As if looking at them everyday will bring all those moments back. In some ways they do, they bring back that smile to me. And old smiles are not something I want to forget about. There are just the letting go that i want to forget... the times when letting go was not my doing..it was the otherside that let me go....

image (C) aparna mudi... It was taken in tirupur, junk yard.

civilisations

“Sometimes very odd things become more than a part of your life.
They become the very reason of existence and also the way of sustenance.”

Those two lines have been written before too… if you have been reading my blog in the right order that is. And now is the time when I actually use it for the reason I started to write the previous post in the first place…

So hence starting again…
Sometimes very odd things become more than a part of your life.
They become the very reason of existence and also the way of sustenance. They are common place things and not so common at the same time. It’s like reading about how history and countries evolved around river beds. What I wanted to write about is probably not such a significant event in history, but then ideal thoughts of an idle mind will not come up with something better, I believe. Walking back from office (that seems to be one of the major things I am doing in tirupur, and no, I haven’t lost even a single pound due to it) amongst other things, there is a pipeline (water) that has burst or been broken into. And there is a complete community that has sprung around it. And this lifeline/ pipeline serves multiple purposes. From being the source of drinking water, to bath, to cooking, to washing the tractor or other vehicle, to washing utensils, to being the source for the nearest eating joint. You never cease to be surprised by the people around this gurgling stream of fresh water, they are always there, doing there own thing. Not noticing people walking by, neither are they affected by the huge trucks rolling by every 5 minutes threatening to crush them or their children. A little slum has cropped up there, just beside that little water spring, god sent, man made…

Well but then “What the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away” and here in the one month that I saw the things cropping up in the most unexpected places I also watch it die away. The municipal corporation of Tirupur has finally decided to not be so benevolent and take away the pleasure of clean water from these unsuspecting invisible people. So, here we were, on Monday morning, walking by our own friendly neighborhood water provider and in the evening see a truck and some laborers working furiously to close that little source of life. I can’t help but feel sorry for these people, for all the women could do was curse these workers vociferously in Tamil, the children feel upset and low that their everyday playing spot has finally been wiped off the face of the earth and the passers by who stopped here for a gulp of water, walk away and look for another water spring that they might find to quench their thirst.
And I was too used to these kids staring wide eyed while we passed by in our not so common t shirts, and posing and giving their best smiles while I clicked their photographs, everyday hearing their loud “ta ta ”s while they made me their object of amusement for some minutes in a day. While I walk back for the past 3 days looking around, for they might have just re-dug their lifeline out, I now feel, they must have moved on. Found a new “river bed” to set their homes around. Made a new beginning…

odd meanderings

Sometimes very odd things become more than a part of your life.
They become the very reason of existence and also the way of sustenance.
Every evening is a new way to look forward to the very reason I hate Tirupur, namely, ‘the boredom of the evenings’. I get back home at around 7, watch re-runs of friends, first on star world then on zee café, then watch some random shit, then naruto, then nothing in particular, this is the time when frustration starts to set in….for a person who has suffered of insomnia and depression for the larger part of her adulthood, it is certainly next to impossible to keep up the good spirits when you have nothing to do, nothing good to read, no pink floyd, and also obviously it doesn’t help that you are in love with a person who is “just your friend”. So, taking somebody’s advice, I decided to utilize this time in higher things (between the smoked cigarettes) -

1. I have started believing in god again… well boredom does get you spiritual, no wonder so many retired people turn religious just when they have filled up the “paap ka ghada”, and have nothing worse to do in life.
2. I have started writing a ‘lot of poetry’- 3 in a day, everyday since the last 2 weeks, and for the people who are curious enough to want to read it, NO, they are boring, pathetic, sometimes repetitive and most of all they are romantic, and I mean mush romantic ‘and’ shall not be posted
3. I have finally bought a sketchbook (after 3 long years) and started sketching again. Nudes, profiles, charcoal, et al.
4. I have started to daydream (or should that be called dusk dream to define the time); yeah I know that’s what most bored people do. Day dream… about amazing jobs, sexy bosses, the ideal guy (yeah he is in love with me in my plot. Some people will say, “yeah right fatso! And pigs will fly”…to them I say “hello, my daydream, goes my way!!!”), Delhi, north Indian food (sigh, greed sets in), good results in college, small house, big car, fame, enough money to give bank of America some competition… I’m running out of plots for these though. Any more ideas?
5. I have been thinking, (when I don't daydream that is…) Yeah! Pigs do fly… I am bored and I need to exercise my brains. There is hardly room for physical exercise, though I could do with some, ‘if’ I want my fondest day dream to come remotely true… I think about everything. My life, crap, past, crap, present, crap, future, crap, universe, crap, planet earth, crap, planet earth ke dukh dard, crap, Johny Depp(not crap…. God), eternity, crap, love, crap, responsibilities, crap, and all the other shitty things in life (smelly thoughts), and how to invent (or design) something that may work to the effect of a room freshener to eliminate the shitty smell of boredom, (and ideas born out of it) lingering around…

Speaking of ‘lingering’, the efforts in lingerie (ling-a-ree) designing are coming off fine, actually great, I have come up with good designs (which I’m sure the jury won’t agree to). So I guess, I will quit thinking about that for now, daydreams ought not to induce fear or nervousness in you. They are a vision of a beautiful future that’s never to come.

I just realized this particular post has deviated way too much from what it was supposed to be. and i cant possibly go back to the original issue. So that write up is coming up next I think. Till then wish me luck that I may get a new plot today. If I start jotting them down, I may give, the Choudharys the Ghoshs, and the Taslimas, a run for there money…

sold soles

Things of importance are often abandoned in the paths of life… the realization comes in moments of randomness; While walking down from office, while sitting in the hotel room (with cigarettes smoked one after the other) , while watching TV, or even in the faces moving around in streets. Most of these are in moments of thoughts wandering around… generated in pictures taken, and edited…

It’s how you presume it to be, of shoes and chappals thrown away in heaps, lying in one corner of the street, conspicuous. Or of mere children, playing in the mud, covered in dirt, hungry, parents in some other corner of the city, working as some labour somewhere, unaware, uncaring. Not inhuman though, it is survival that is at stake. Everything remains dispensable in this world. It is a mere thought of eternity, a hope that something called love keeps alive. You just leave them behind. Stub them out from your lives. In the clichéd phrase of what we call “tissue paper”. Derogatory as it may sound, every one of us do that. Make something important; use it as much as we can, not in selfish terms, then dispose it. Human, non human doesn’t matter… It’s a way of life.

Selling of our souls is a similar process. Sometimes I like to believe, that when god made us, it was a mere trade with the devil, ultimately sold us to him, I can’t figure out for what…. He taught us how to breathe, and then gave us temptations. In quite literal terms, got bored with us and threw us away for something better that the devil had to offer. Now we are mere playthings, mere conspicuous heaps on the roadsides of a huge city. Stranded here with nowhere to go, we try and make acquaintances with each other and try and be important again in the eyes of the one who threw us away. At times even act as if we were once favorites of god. It’s like dogs racing after the stuffed hare, mere illusions of a “better tomorrow” or a “heaven above”. In our hearts we know its only darkness after this. We are pawns in hands of two players who would do anything to outdo each other. There is not much more of an importance of our lives in anything else. What greater cause does it serve? We destroy the very planet we live in. Take away the best things from everyone else’s lives and call it ‘grabbing opportunity’. We make our own and other’s lives miserable, without knowing it, be the complete bitches/ bastards that we ourselves hate so much.

We love, waiting to fill our hearts with all the happiness with just that one feeling. Forget about everything else. Just thank god that we were down in this heap for that one person. And then the person turns out to be god again…. We are mere toys, who make gods happy. The purpose of life.