lost in thought ....lost in time

i have never understood why i run away from eternity ......
i dont want any eternity
for anything......specially to live again after death.....
hmmm the waiting is very eternal.....for love, for good friendship, for death....
and that is the thought (filhaal)
(smirks) sarcasm has become a part of my life...... infact it is life itself.....i laugh at myself everyday and think oh why?
i have blocked out some essential parts of my life....and well i am waiting for it to some back and no, that doesnt include sam......
maybe now i wont want him back specially after i have seen his photographs with rachel.....he looks happy and frankly so does he....the love hasnt lessened or maybe it has but what the fuck?
who gives a damn .....and even if i do ...who gives a damn to me?
i was thinking yesterday which was the last prayer that god had heard and answered ....and i remembered that yeah god has answered ...in a straight forward "no"
hahaha
i prayed for this guy ....a good friend now...(will introduce him later )......but well...i did ....and when i told him i did he said "well kuch nahi hona hai( nothing is gonna happen).....thr is no chance....and well hmmmm i realised probably now that i prayed thr is really no chance......

so hence thr are a lot of quests that start alone ......that reminds me .......
vamsi : happy birthday
and well happy navaratras to those who are believers.......

God for Cissy

... Every time Cissy went into a cave, she found herself thinking about God, the God who stacked rock on rock and watched over fatherless girls.
God was Delia's voice in the darkness when Cissy was tired, so soft and clear she almost believed the voice to be real. God was the thing outside herself, that enormous desire to shatter into a thousand living pieces and burn. God was the moment past orgasm, lying spent, belly-down on her own bed with her hand over her mouth-nothing she wanted any of her family to know about.
... Amanda's God was not Cissy's God. Amanda's God counted sins and dealt out penance. Cissy's God breathed righteousness and fire. Amanda's God awarded fat babies and back porches. Cissy's God was the pure risk of some impossible expiation-Jesus on the Cross of the body in extremis, the chance of redemption in the aweful dark. Her God was a grin in the darkness, the agony that rode around her shoulders when she swam so far her muscles gave out... Probably, she told herself, God had to hide in caves these days.

*Excerpt from Cavedweller by Dorothy Allison. Delia is Cissy's mother whom Cissy hated. Amanda is Cissy's step sister who believes that all God cares about is going to the church. I loved Cissy's idea of God when I read this part, and thought of posting it here.

Blank

in the last two weeks, ive been trying to 'live' life......partying hard .....d.rinking everynight.....and for a change i have been getting drunk......losing control......well and all that happens is i end up feeling more lonely than ever.
im sitting in a computer class.....trying to figure out why i am sitting here if i dont even want to hear my faculty speaking but instead check my mails and write something......mmmmmm NO CLUE........
dee has been extremely worried about me.......why? what for? she is my friend, she cares.....and yet i know it wont matter after a few years....she will be her own way i will be on my own...all that we might do is remember these times .....and laugh abt it....
its a sense of loss ive come to.....ive lost myself....its not the same aparna anymore......i have learnt to say "no" i have stopped giving out a hand to people when they ask for it...... im trying to be a narcissist....was sam supposed to have this kinda effect on me? the other day i found myself thinking about why i was and am in love with him... i just am....couldnt find the answer to my 'why'.....funny i dont find answers.....ever...
all im doing is smoking my self up......ciggarettes after ciggarettes after cigarettes.......and faking everything.....walking into the class...saying fake "hi!'s" and smiling and going to work.....staying up all night watching the fan......or flicking the ash.....drifting off to sleep somewhere early morning.....my routine.....thr is no emotion left.....i just laugh....sake of laughing.......i have stopped thinking...

the mind has become a moron........
coz im trying to be what i never have been
the saturation has come...
there lies no point....
a empty coffin
a carcassed body
vultures dont feed on me anymore.....
bones have rot too
the mind has become a moron

khat

kalam daanto tale dabaye,

bahut der se soch rahi hai,

uska bas naam baar baar likha hai...

saare lamhe kaise samete woh,

un chand lafso mein?

woh ankahe shabd,

khato mein nahi piroye jaate....

kuch sitare, kuch choti choti dhadkane....

sab hai khat mein ....bas lavs ke alava

purane khat bikhare huye aas paas

kuch aansu ki boonde bhi

ab intezaar kar kar ke sookh gayi thhi panno par...

...kalam kahin door padi hai....

sar takiye mein chupa hua,

bas siskiya le raha hai...

khato ke tukde hai....

khwahisho ke tukde hain udte hue....

anlikhe, anpadhe...

koi nazar phira ke jo khada hai....

woh khat jo kitne chote thhe...

yeh khat jo khali hai....

woh judai jo kitni lambi hai...

yeh zindagi .....mere khato se bhi zyada viraan