going on...being aparna

i have never written about my fears ever.

and even today i wont..but somebody does know them...he knows my pains..he knows i cant handle them alone..he knows i die without the love....he knows i m killing myself..he knows i will...and yet i believe in his love....i believe that he wont let me be with him..he wont let me come to him. he never wil stop playing games with me..he always has...he has taken away my most precious..and now that he has made me believe in my lov...he shatters it yet again..i am his toy..and yet today i dont complain...coz today i need him to stop playing with someone else's happiness...to stop playin with my life's/love's happiness...to give sam all that he wants and needs...
i need him to take me away to a lonely island where i die...
today the pain is so intense that im numb....he crushed me.and he sits there laughing at me like a sadist laughing at the pain of a child...he toys with my fears and brings them all flooding back to me.making all those images real and they claw in further more...leaving gashes which have turned sour..blood oozes out in volumes now with a stick yellow puss..

.and tears? they have dried up... only a numb killing pain remains...and they make me live on.. im dead from the inside....a death i have to keep living..maybe this is what hell is.... maybe im really dead and i dont know..maybe they have found my mutilated body somewhere..or maybe its buried somewhere yet not found...but have died for sure

said and unsaid

there are times when all that has transpired between to people is a whole lot of lies....lies that were said to make truth go away...as if its easier to live with these lies...i sometimes wish i would stop talking in riddles...and then again riddles are my ways of avoiding the direct truth.

but then i realise sooner or later i will have to face it...how long will i go on avoiding my heart.?

crossover

A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

.......

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,

Out of the corner of my eye.

I turned to look but it was gone.

I cannot put my finger on it now.

The child is grown, the dream is gone.

I have become comfortably numb.

comfortably numb - pink floyd

i have been hearing a lot of hard core rock since the last three days....that implies that i ve not worked for even a second in the last three days...why? please, im in no sense to reason right now....

"comfortably numb" happens to be one of my all time favourite numbers by pink floyd....and for the first time today i saw its vedeo and also the vedeo for "The wall" by the same band...and i felt i in so much of the same state of mind ...just not to that extent but yes very much the same...void ...i feel a state of me is being left behind in the today that i loathe and yet want to live forever...im numb yet 'comfortable' i'm now kinda lost in my own world...trying to get even more lost...give up on m reality,and start walking on to the unknown.....i ve been thinking that if i actually crossed over to teh point whr i can be a child again...dream what would happen?...there would be ice beneathe my feet...it would start cracking right wen i step on it....and it would crack on and break away...and just wen i get accustomed to my new self...and start liking it...it would collapse and i would fall.....coz even if my state of life goes into another dimension...my state of existance will remain....it would still be a void

drunk on a empty glass

yeh nayan dare dare, yeh jaam bhare bhare

zara peene do!

kal ki kisko khabar, ek raat hoke nidar

mujhe jeene do!

and i am drunk on my own void....just drunk so much that i dont wanna be sober.

its amazing that sometimes u have no words for what ure feeling..all you know is that a void remains in you...and goes on and on
a lil empty right now and i cant think of anything..i dont feel like doing anything that i love..nor do i wanna read nor write...im trying to find a solution to m problems by giving it to others, actually my problems are not even earthly or practical..they are just a void..a pain i cant explain..
if not me, then who?if not now, then when?if not this then what?
i cant answer questions that my heart asks me and i feel stupid..u know i feel thats the biggest void one can feel- of being stupid
lately i dont know why i feel again down in dumps..i feel im forever pretening to be happy...i smile a fake smile ... i shout in glee and i cry in my soul..i call up friends so that i can prove im 'happy'...to myself....sad for what? of what? angry at what?
i strangle for breath and all i breathe in is smoke.its as if my life has given up on me....and yet i will go on smiling and laughing..i wil joyously celebrate my moronity... i will say everything will be all right in my life..

.but WHERE WILL I FIND MY HAPPINESS?

and the reason is...?

lI never dream that I could fall

But something’s come over me

Now I’m sittin’ starin’ at the wall

Afraid for my sanity

The sound of your voice

The touch of your skin

It’s hauntin’ me

I’m still tryin’ to come to my senses

But I can’t look back so I’m takin’ my chances

I wanna give you my heart give you my soul

I wanna lay in your arms never let go

Don’t wanna live my life without you

But I know when you’re gone

Like a fire needs a spark like a fool in the dark

Honey I’ll cry for you

Wonderin’ why I’m runnin’ scared

From what I believe in

I know that love is just another word

To say what I’m feelin’

For once in my life the future is mine

It’s callin’ me I’ve been searchin’ so long for an answer

But it’s too late now so I’m takin’ my chances

I wanna give you my heart give you my souL

I wanna lay in your arms never let go

Don’t wanna live my life without you

But I know when you’re gone

Like a fire needs a spark

Like a fool in the dark

Honey I’ll cry for you

europe track-I WILL CRY FOR YOU

and wen in happiness u can never even dream that life can go wrong....life does not go wronmg for so many people and yet we see unhappiness in the world..yet we feel its sad

dementors make u feel this gloom but what is missing is the mist and the death....

the horrific memories dont come anymore..its only a ruddy void...who will f*****g fill it up/....i keep crying for happiness..thr has been a routine i have started loathing....a hate that is more than just hatred and loathing..it also includes a pain for my own self.......u know one in which i can blow my own self up!

for once in life i feel its not worhtwhile to live on a life that has no meaning..ifi would have been a failure i would say ok i have to overcome this...but i now find all these very petty issues

kuchh purane gam khured diye hai maine

aur gamo ki lashon ko uthaye chale jaa rahe hain.

palko se ab to asoon bhi nahi tapakte

shayad is pyasi rooh ko iski zaroorat thi

aaj ki subah aur na aaye to kya

aaj fir woh chandni mein saath na baithe to kya

tere haathon ki un lakiron mein jo hum apna naam dhundte hai

woh naam bhi mit jaaye,humari kismat hai.

ab khwahishen hi aur nahi udti,

un sitaron mein jade aasma mein.

ab teri meri kahaniya nahi banti

lafs sukh gaye hain....shayad aasoun ki aas mein

aur woh lashen?

woh to kabke daphna diye thhe...

ab to bas tasveeren reh gayee hain....

kuch parat si jami hai un par

saaf kiya thha to yaad aya...

aasun wahin gir ke sukh gaye thhe

self composed

dancing on the bloods

kuchh kar guzarne ko... khoon chala khoon chala
aakhon ke sheeshe mein, utarne ko khoon chala
badan se tapak kar.zameen se lipat kar
kalion se, rasto se, ubhar kar, umad kar
naye rang bharne ko, khoon chala khoon chala

- ost RANG DE BASANTI

The blood walks on driven to make a mark
Walks on to be emulated in the glassy eyes
Running down the body, draping the soil
From the buds, from the roads, it spurts, it spills
And the blood walks on and on to fill in the new colors...

the new blood, us....we do walk on and ignore the blood...how many of us actually stand up for the blood that our own people shed for us...last whole night after coming back at three from the movie I have been thinking would i be DJ and decide to die and sift the system...well i said "hello, kitno o maroge yaar ,saaala sara system to kutte hi chalate hain."(how many will you kill, the whole system is run by dogs")
well, that's what the guys in the film also said right? they wanted to run away from the system too...they did initially...and then moved on to the extreme...they fought the system..yes they did die trying but they did try...ruddy when have we tried... I can boast of a year loss coz I didn't want to pay the ruddy "system" money so that I pass..but does the fight end there?

shouldn't my blood run on...to spurt out and envelop the system....let the blood flow....let it get mixed with the rest too...let the new blood run and fight for what we anyway need....a good honest life

I doubt anybody will back me up if ever I have the guts to make a difference....would I ever be brave enough... I would probably if the situation was mine.... but do I have to wait for a situation? am I human being or a robot being run by the society....do this do that....let the system be...let the world run as it is...

and just lead my own life....be successful - rich...dim lak lak dim...dance to the tune of the system...do nothing...

what a prat!

I laugh loud now....my conscience is strangling itself...and the guilt takes a stronger grip...i don't want to watch the movie again...not because it was not good...because it hits me way too hard, at the wrongest of places... wrong or is it the right one?

pots and pains

this lump of clay we were trying to make into a pot..it had so many kankars in it..and they cant be felt from outside..u can just feel the clay! and wen u start kneading its then u feel thoe miniscule particles biting ur skin...they will only show thr real persona wen the clay is dry ..they form the cracks...bad ones...break the whole pot..or if ur on the potters wheel trying to work with that clay they will slice through ur skin AND BRAZE IT...

every thing is such a mixup for me..i cant feel just one feeling at a time
sometimes im angry and thats mixed with disgust for my own self
sometimes im plain pissed..but i wish it was just PLAIN. IT ALSO has that disgusting boredom with it
even sometimes guilt
then wen im happy im scared too..of losing it all
im sad and im satisfied that this is the perfect time to create..thats wen im happy that i can create wen im sad?uh mixture !
the other side of my feeling surfaces later...hurts and pinches if i try to knead it too hard..or if im fine tuning my emotions then it just slices me and i realise i shudnt have started on thinking abt my feeling....hmm right

now i think im the maddest person sitting in front of the computer screen

writing writing writing,,,also probably the sanest and th emost frustrated soul waiting to be taken over by sleep