books,parables and a 33,000 gods

went to the church today
had a good time..
is gods existance just based on our faith
and is his love and mercy restricted to our love for him
y then does he want to save obnly christians...that too baptised...
another thing that came to my mind..they alws talk in the church as if hindus know nothing...really...they really know nothing..?
the stories that hindus build are no more unbelievable than bible stories...
they can be treated as parables too....then y are they called superstitions
hinduism is not abt a religion and 10000 gods
its abt work culture and being good and honest...
its also abt thanking god for lil miracles...
not just abt 10 000 rituals...its also the positivity attached to it
its not just abt singing "hare krsna... krsna krsna....krsna krsna... hare hare"
its also abt the love ...the indescribable love in which people forget themselves and get one with god
its abt the belief and the duties that every man, woman has towards life...
its abt living life and not just salvation...salvation is achieved through goodness..and fulfilment of duties...thats wat hindu books say...work without lust...without greeed
because goodness is the symbol of god...not just mercy....but love ...thats it.....does love need to be categorised,into forgiveness and help and mercy and all that...its just plain love...isnt it?
the core of christianity...or for that matter an religion says the same...
love

of joy and complexity

this goes as an answer to my dear friends who have been leavin thr precious comments ,mails and of course having phone conv. up with me to tell me....(not ask me... mind you) "....whats wrong with you?"
 ok inspite of whatever way im going, thinking, understanding, questioning......i love every bit of it! it doesnt get me upset...most of it is introspection im NOT UPSET...I repeat.....i love it every moment of my life is a lifetime lived...even those sad times are "mine" ...the thing is my relaxation doesnt come from everybodies types of "njoy life" i njoy my life from the places where nobody else looks in... like being lonely ...opening my heart out and still hiding from people i do poetry..i read...i chat up with people!i think abt sam! i dream what ill do when i become famous(though i may never be) i live these moments, now, here.....i live the 'now' moments every day... i be upset and still im content...thats the the word... my confusion doesnt exist...yes abt life ill alws be confused because life has no meaning actually...but that doesnt stop the quest of living...as it comes. . one thing people never understand...sorrows are as much a part of life as happiness! and i have accpeted it that way! i am upset because situations are against me!i wont go by anybodies word of do this and do that!my feelings come naturally. ..theyre not triggered..... i know what i want in life and friends please dont judge my life through what i write...they just pour out.....words have no control over me just as i dont have any control over them.thoough its ok for me to write whatever i want! i have allowed them to break my damn and flow..as they want.. they sometimes come, sometimes are just lost!

from rushabh to me..... part-4(last)

If there is one answer i have found of life... it is the fact that i wanna end each day content... and i wanna die content with what i am... you are far from that... and will get further if you go on like this... be cheerful... be happy... its what its all about... its what we all want... a cheerful happy end... its what we read in books and what we see in movies... its what we dream off... happy endings... for that that there has to be a happy begenning and a happy life... change your path... explore everything uknown and pull it apart... everything except what you are trying to pull apart... YOURSELF... now you have been out on this wierd road and turning into an aparna i dont like for the last few months... get a fuckin grip on yourself and get back... lighten up... let go... and just enjoy life for what it is... not what it could have been... enjoy it because in 'Walt Whitman's' words... the answer to life is'That you are here—that life exists, and identity; That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.' what will your verse be aparna... u are a part of this play... this game... its all perception... if u think this play is a tragedy and sad it is... if u wanna think its funny and fun loving... it is... thats what i feel it is... fun... light hearted... like the serial 'friends'... everything is a joke... a parady on life... its all meant to be smiled at... do u have the courage to do that appu... smile at the saddest of things???... you do that and the answer is yours... take care...
Your a good person appu but a very very lost one (ha ha)... i hope you find your way back because i cant help you... no one can... its all in your hands... and your hands only... only you can help yourself...
rushabh
My verse is 'Life is a just a Game... and My God!!! i'm gonna Play it'

from rushabh to me..... part-3

and last few months i have seen you taking your self into that whirlpool of the unsolved and you think you'll emerge a wiser person... let me tell you a secret... you wont... you'll burn out and die... dont try soo hard... relax... let yourself wonder free... a mans thoughts are at its peak when he's content... not exactly cheerful... but content... and ma'am you are a mighty far cry from content... start having fun... just do what you love and dont question or explore people and their behaviour and their mind... untill you find your own mind and yourself you are extremely foolish to go exploring others and why they do what they do... you find your self... what aparna is and the rest will click into place... dont try too hard to find yourself either... it will come in time naturally... the harder you try the longer you'll take... simple law of life... so get drunk... party... stop getting such complicated thoughts about your carrer or Sam... let things move in the flow at their own sweet pace... life is a journey... not a fuckin destination... what the hell will you get to the end and do... if tomorrow i wake up 42 years old and the lead singer of a band with 80 million copies sold and three grammys in my room... now what.. i'm rich, famous, girls love me, NOW WHAT?? where does that put me... ok... so now i'm all i ever wanted so i might as well go out have a pizza with my buddies and girl and have some fun...what else... i have reached and now i'm bored... its the getting there that important... the path... not the arrival... like a jigsaw puzzle as you manage two or three pieces... the others will fall into place and one day you will have the whole picture... try and force the pieces and you will break them and they will never fit and you'll never see the whole picture... get it... Now get cheerful... do what u wanna do... stop thinking soo much... now your mind is workin in the 'burn out' zone... your exhausting it... k... just scream once let it all out then just free yourself of all burden of thought... free fall... and the answers will find you...

from rushabh to me..... part-2

man over centuries has found answers to everything and anything in this world... space and beyond... but after all those lightyears... what still confuses him the most is that little 50 grams between his ears... the human mind... and it shall never be cracked... never... thats the way its meant to be... now there are two ways of you learning this... either you learn the hard way at you're deathbed and 87 years of age that you are no closer to the answer then then you were a good 65 years ago... that is now... in fact you're further away from it (the answer) and still craving and looking... or the simpler (more advisable way) to stop trying to solve these puzzles... stop loking for answers... and over a period of time the more you forget about the questions and looking for the answers... the faster and automatically by some unknown means the answer will come to you... its like a musician... you can force yourself to sit down with a pen and paper and try and write down lyrics for a song and it just dont happen... hours and hours the pages and torn and thrown away... the music and words are in your mind but they just dont come out... they stay in there... moving... teasing... then when you just give up... days later... in a bus or in the loo it just hits you and u write down within twelve minutes what maybe the best lyrics you have ever written... answers to life are like that...

from rushabh to me..... part-2

man over centuries has found answers to everything and anything in this world... space and beyond... but after all those lightyears... what still confuses him the most is that little 50 grams between his ears... the human mind... and it shall never be cracked... never... thats the way its meant to be... now there are two ways of you learning this... either you learn the hard way at you're deathbed and 87 years of age that you are no closer to the answer then then you were a good 65 years ago... that is now... in fact you're further away from it (the answer) and still craving and looking... or the simpler (more advisable way) to stop trying to solve these puzzles... stop loking for answers... and over a period of time the more you forget about the questions and looking for the answers... the faster and automatically by some unknown means the answer will come to you... its like a musician... you can force yourself to sit down with a pen and paper and try and write down lyrics for a song and it just dont happen... hours and hours the pages and torn and thrown away... the music and words are in your mind but they just dont come out... they stay in there... moving... teasing... then when you just give up... days later... in a bus or in the loo it just hits you and u write down within twelve minutes what maybe the best lyrics you have ever written... answers to life are like that...

from rushabh to me..... part-1

rushabh has over the last few months become a very close friend .....not the kinds who u spend a lot of time bitching with ..but the kinds who u spend quality time with! hav a lot of fun!also a great guy to call up when u feel like crying but dont want to...he has an uncanny ability to make ypo laugh over sadest of jokes.....anyway i think thats enoiugh of introduction and lines wasted over a single person.....just that this entry is the first part of him mail to me.....i think he put down the whole thing he had in mind very well....(*aplauds rushabh) and also put in the essence of a very good perspective(*kapil answering you)...here goes....

Hey, whats up!!! i just read you blogs... impressive i must say... very true... very touching... very sad... but you missed out the main point... You missed out the core to all these questions... the base of this spiral of thoughts and ideas... What you missed out is the fact that everything you go through IS... what we call... LIFE... Yes, you're right... in a thousand years you will never be able to find answers to the doubts and questions you have inside you... tearing you from within... the probelm is that you're trying way too hard... So fuckin hard that the answer is right there with you but you're pushing it away... The more you try and reach out for it the further it goes... Babes this is one thing in life you have to understand... There are things in life with no answers, no explanations, no reason, no logic... and the harder you try to get them the deeper you will be pushed into the unkown... untill you reach a stage where you know the answer to nothing... nothing is what is seems and everything is a question... a lingering doubt of what its true identity is... You see... the reason why life is called life is because it is what it is...

a little bit of this and that

A lot of times have i thought that the mind is a thinking mind .....and peiople should let it wander freely......to explore hearts....to find unknown meaning....to search for answers that are given and yet stay unanswered!

and whenever i find such a person who seems to be questioning life,i feel happier .....just to see that such people exist!
what is life ..if it is just lived because it is supposed to be.....what is life without the eternal quest for questions and then answers.....? why should life be like a non chalant notion that has been implanted......?why should we live life like puppets or rather zombies of the soceity...? too many questions for now, and answers may not be thr even if i hav lived a thousand lifetimes of just this quest....
this quest doest mean leaving responsibilties.....but yes it does mean not compromising in the answers u have already found.....

like i found... why do people hate certain people? and then still be nice to them.......
my answer may not be right but im stil in the process of searching.....(it will take a whole new entry to answer that)
what is dissapointing is that most of these people that i find are just people who dont actually search....they get half of information and then act "know it all's".....oh my my! its sucha pain to understand these people.....they claim to be searching for knowledge but dont open thr minds.....probably they will take time to open themselves up! but for that the "trying" has to happen.......not through advices but through understanding each mind individually...........................
life has too many things to ponder upon......ive still just seen the first milestone on the horizon!

reminiscence of a forgotten travel

there are many things in my country unexplained...untrodden

several of them in my city.....some of them just superstitions some of them experiences and wierd ones at that.
experiences that held some mysteries which ar now considered as divine intervention

several unknown unnamed faces keep appearing here.helping people out without question....people without money or food or even for a trek that became unfruitful due to some reason!

this happened way back round 1995 summers i think

a family had gone on a trek to "gomukh" in the northern himalayas where ganges is supposed to have come from(no its not gangotri as the books tell you. the source of the water is still unknown) the trek ends at this cow shaped outlet for a full outburst of water

called gomukh. no names here and also it not a first hand experience so cant giv all the details but here goes


three people on the trek .... guess somekind of landslide held them back in a villag near gangotri.....all of them diheartened and almost about to turn back...out comes this 13-14 year old boy a shepherd or something who tells these two families(anothr family had joined in,among which was lady with gout, and a man with heart disease) he can help them out...aprehensive but all the same they went for it.....he took them from this unknown route which was shorter but riskier...telling them which stone to step on and which to avoid(since half the stones are actually all but old dirty ice)where not to step and afterhours of trek they reach gomukh!he helps them reach he helps them come back,,,,,and then gets lost!






not taken money nothing!he just vanishes......the families think he might have just gone back home without telling them and they enquire at the village...the village isup on the mountains and there are hardly any inhabitants ....so all the people know each other on a first name basis.....try as they might nobody who that boy was and how did he know the other route so well...mysterious it may not be.....but to them who had been so dissapointed he came like an angel.....helped the other family more than the one i knew...









i dont know several times i have heard of the guardian angels that god sends for his people.....who seem to be there just the moment when u need them...






i have heard about little krishna coming to the aid of the children when they need help


i have seen small miracles of my bal gopal( a small copper efigy of baby gopal krsna) who keeps throwing tantrums......there are unnamed helpers all over the world...we just ignore them thats it....they might or moght not be real people i ll never know..but they will still be msngrs sent from heaven ......people who came at the right time...been there at the right moment....and still lay forgotten coz we never got round to asking them who they were...they are reminders god sends us that he does want everyone to do as he wants but the choice still lies in our hand what we want to do....they are faces that donot want to be revealed ...coz if they are revealed they would lose their purpose...of helping without want.

sinking to the glooms

ok weird i know i may sound.....but i have this sinking feeling these days...upset over something and i cant pinpoint at it?crazy eh!
but seriously...i feel like being alone all day...not even talking to sam...frankly even keeping him out of my mind....
shutting out people. .i just dont know why i feel like feeling lonely!
hmm hollow rather.
a feeling that is in peacewith itself but its just not my usual self!
i feel everything around has a nasty false air abt it
as if something wrong is about to happen
AND YET it reminds me of something from harry potter....dementors..spreading an unexplainable gloom over those who cant see them.
all my sad memories seem to be flooding bak to me....i m taking them easily....taking them as if they were all but nightmares ,,,but the more i want to let them go the more they take hold of me!
its bliss is it? does bliss feel like this...im drunk....drunk on sorrow

of rebels and believers!

people tell me im rebellious....
rebellious in doing what?...not thinking the way they do!
not being superstitious about doing "favours" to god...
rebellious in not bowing down to people who only want to satisfy their ego!
loving a person so much that my world seems to center around him,
my life moves on and keeps me happy because of him...

its just that "life" that they dont see....life that means 'today'!
and it has a funny way of blowing up on you....giving you just what you want when you don't need it anymore....and not give you anything when you need it the most.
its like this railway track that never meets.....and yet meets only at this severe twist only for a second and to turn into another endless quest to reach each other...there is this one moment when you feel everything is right .you have learned what life is...and yet wait for that quest to start again.

i had heard somewhere that once that most important dream of your life is fulfilled the zeal of living on is forgotten.....and yet I find that zeal even if my biggest wish is fulfilled ...maybe because I have short term goals...
really short term ...as in "this very moment of living" being happy......being unhappy and yet to be at peace with knowing that it is a part of my life!

whenever i look back .....there is this part of me feeling sorry for myself for all the wrong decisions i took ....(and thats wat is the problem with Hinduism it places all the blame of "everything" with urself, we are not allowed to blame the devil or god for anything wrong!)
and yet i know those very decisions made me what i am today...and then they seem right all over again.the thing is im not afraid of taking the blame of my choices on myself. whether wrong or right...oh yes i also want the praises when they are right! I am not afraid of making choices in the first place. i know people love passing the blame.....I'm rebellious enough in not doing that.

am i still sounding rebellious that i dont feel sorry for myself...i dont think that everything wrong in my life is bad...and yet for the good.
everytime i have failed i learnt....not how to win,but how to live on, and how many people around me love me for what i am and not for what i
should be!

rebels are not who do not heed to advices but those who forget that choice lies in there own hands
i chose to be a "rebel" i chose to be "bad" i chose to be "outspoken"
and yet i love all those who label me .....

I AM WHO I AM.......like me or not
CHOICE AGAIN? ARE YOU SCARED OF THE CHOICE?